Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Horrible....but not without reason

That would be ME! Horrible, horrible, horrible for not blogging in well over a month and I really don't have much of an excuse except for my life is pretty hectic right now and has been for well, months and HOW that happened, I just don't know. I knew it would be difficult and that staying at home would have it's own challenges, but WOW. I truly don't understand how in the world I ever kept up with everything I did before when I worked 40 hours a week previously and balanced that with running my own business, being a wife and mother and friend, a blogger, an online junkie and everything else that I managed to squeeze into each and every day and week and month to now barely being able to keep up with much of anything sometimes! Don't get me wrong, there are days and even weeks that I feel like I am on top of it all, on the verge of being caught up and virtually feeling like I can proudly shout "Success! I've made it all happen and done it all, everything I want and need to do on my time and with time to spare!" Yet, that never quite happens. I'm always derailed by something, even if it turns out to be my own laziness or lack of motivation to push on through. It's very difficult....all of it, yet ironically, so rewarding in the end.

I guess what I am saying is, is that I am far from perfect. I am far from a superwoman or a supermom or a supermodel, LOL! (just had to throw that in, I know that goes without saying for those who know me, ha!) But that doesn't mean I won't continue to strive to be the best I can be to everyone around me, but lest not forget, that also includes ME, which is why I've been a bit laid back, reclusive in ways and possibly even vague and neurotic in others. It's been hard on me. I've had anxiety at times like I never had before. Before now, I would have never thought I would have this kind of anxiety when I don't even have to go to work outside of my home or deal with employees or co-workers or any kind of drama. I don't have to drive 2 hours plus a day back and forth to work. I don't have to drive nearly 100 miles round trip to bring Hudson to my mom's house and then back and forth to work. I don't have to balance all of that along with everything else. You would think it would be easy-breezy in comparison, but no, not so much. This transition has been difficult. Staying at home and having very little to no adult interaction at times is very difficult. Running a business while caring for two small children is very difficult. Having a husband that is working more than before and works odd shifts and times is very difficult. Having TWO children rely on you 24 hours a day, seven days a week is very difficult. Having to make every right decision for them and to mold them into the amazing children and then someday, adults that you want them to be is very difficult, consuming and rewarding and that too, has kept me beyond busy these days. Dealing with a newborn and then infant that has very different needs and a very different temperament from his older brother is very difficult. Going outside of the house with an infant and an overactive toddler is very difficult. And dealing with a very challenging, curious and outgoing little toddler whose virtually always busting at the seams with energy is also very difficult. 

BUT I love being a mom, I love my life and would not change it for the world, I'm just trying to find a better balance in order to make all of these things work better for me so that it's not so difficult and so I am a better person for every single person in my life as they deserve. Despite all of the challenges and setbacks, I remain confident that with a little patience and faith along with a lot of motivation and hard work, that I will eventually find that balance, but it might just take some time and unfortunately, even more setbacks and disappointments to get there. I guess what I am really saying here is that I am struggling and that all of this "mommytasking" as I so lovingly call it, is far from easy. Probably the main reason why my new blog is named as's not ready yet, but Manic Mommytasking is where I am at in my life and what I will be sharing with all of you in the future. It takes a lot of juggling to get it all done and even with your best efforts, sometimes, it just doesn't happen. But, you don't throw in the towel...instead, you get up, dust your shoulders off and try, try again. That's what makes life interesting. If you never had to face a challenge or work for anything, what would be the fun in that?!?!?!