Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Year - 2010

Here we are saying goodbye to 2009 and welcoming 2010 with open arms. Bittersweet in some ways, but relieved and optimistic in many other aspects. 2009 was a roller coaster ride. A year of the unimaginable and the unexpected. A year that I held so many high expectations for when January 1st came, yet all my expectations and dreams were crushed shortly thereafter. A year that I wanted nothing more than for it to be over virtually right after it had begun. A year that taught me more about myself than I ever expected. And a year that brought me to my lowest level and made me question my faith in all things. Made me question myself. Made me feel like a failure and like things could never be better again and that we would be, or more specifically that I would be broken from then on after. I was in a hole of despair, a sea of darkness and extreme anguish and grieving like I had never imagined and no matter who was there by my side or was rallying me on to get up and move forward with my life, I just couldn't. I just could not dig my way out. I was at my lowest point ever and didn't even know how to come back to the surface.

But eventually after weeks of despair something changed. After this horrible darkness came a wonderful light and I begun to look at things a different way, not without a lot of heartache and pain. Not without sorrow and fear and not without anger and worry. I had gone through all of those emotions, but finally, they had begun to subside. I have always been resilient though and for this I am most grateful. I finally realized that I had to get better and I was not only determined to recover from the tragic loss that had consumed me in every sense of my being, but I was determined to carry on and to rally on in our pursuit to grow our family and in a positive and proactive manner. But first, I had to heal my soul, so I prayed and I prayed and I prayed for closure, for peace and for understanding or at least acceptance, and eventually, after praying and praying and crying and grieving, finally, I got it. I finally just gave in and let everything go to God and once I did that and stopped being angry I was able to move on and amazingly, it was such a relief once I did. I was able to let it go in a sense. Not entirely, but it no longer consumed me and I was able to wake up and look forward to each and every day as a new opportunity to enjoy life. Every day got a little better and better and finally, we were blessed yet again come Spring. My wavering faith was completely restored and I was able rejoice in the blessing of the child we had been given, instead of only grieving for the unborn child we had lost. Not only was my faith restored, I was restored. Although I will never forget what we went through, I was able to make it through what was the worst days of my life. I was able to carry on and finally smile again. Finally laugh again and just be oh so very grateful for each and every blessing God had given to myself and to our family no matter how big or how small.

It was definitely a year filled with ups and downs, but in the end, we were blessed beyond measure and for that I am not only grateful, I have faith and am incredibly hopeful for what is to come and for what blessings we have to look forward to in 2010. And with faith all things are possible.

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