Thursday, June 25, 2009

15 Weeks 5 Days

A day of great importance, both in my mind and my heart as this is the exact day within my last pregnancy that we said goodbye to our little Baby B. It's kind of ironic that I lost the baby on a Thursday at 15 wks 5 days and today it is Thursday and I am exactly 15 wks 5 days along. Probably just a coincidence of sorts, but I am not sure if I should look at it as a touching one or a unsettling one as it definitely just brings up emotions and pain that are still so very new even though I have tried my best to tuck them away in the depths of myself. On a related note, my heart weighs heavy as well as my due date for our baby we lost is this upcoming Sunday, June 28th. A milestone that I have wished I could avoid ever hitting for many months now. With the due date for our angel baby nearing, I feel a returning sense of sadness and anxiety that I just can't seem to shake even knowing that I am beyond blessed to be pregnant again and as of now, have experienced a healthy pregnancy and all indicators show a healthy baby as well. I guess it's still difficult to know that had we not lost the baby that I would have become a mother again and welcomed my second born into the world this week. Instead, I am reminded once again that we now have an angel baby in Heaven instead of a healthy baby boy in our arms. With all of this being said, I have to admit that I am more at peace now than ever with losing our little one and knowing that this was all in God's plan, but it's still difficult to swallow and fully accept even now. I know I will get there one day, a day of full-acceptance and peace, but it's just going to take some time. For now, I will just continue to pray for a returned presence of peace to get through the upcoming days and these last difficult milestones and to redirect my focus to the blessing of my current pregnancy and meeting our little baby boy or girl this December.

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