Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Loving Two....

As the time grows closer to us meeting our little baby boy and beginning this new adventure of becoming a family of four, many thoughts and worries go through my mind about how things might change for all of us and how our relationships will change throughout the process of expanding our family. I often pray for guidance and reaffirmation that by growing our family it will only strengthen and further fortify the bond that we have now and that our love will only continue to grow throughout the process. On a personal level, I seek strength to be the mother and wife that I have always wanted and have striven to be even though I know I am human, far from perfect and sometimes (possibly even oftentimes) fall short of my calling. I know that my role will change and that things will be very different once we are parents of not only one amazing child, but parents of two amazing children. Throughout my worries and fears though, I continue to have faith that our love for not only our new son, but also for Hudson as well as for each other will only grow day by day and encourage us to be better people, better parents, better partners moving forward in our lives and doing everything we can to provide the best environment for our family. I eagerly look forward to creating the motherly bond that I now have with Hudson with our new son when he is born as well. Actually, that bond begun long ago when I first found out the news that I was pregnant again and my love for him has only grown in the months that have followed. With all of that being said, it is also bittersweet as I also cling tightly to Hudson and the relationship we now have, just between him and I. I worry that Hudson might feel envious, forgotten or resentful when his baby brother enters the world and our family dynamic completely changes. I worry about whether or not I can be the best mommy to both of our children and provide each of them all of the love, nurturing and everything else they may need. I know that I can and I will do everything in my power to be the best mother possible and I know in my heart that everything will be okay and that this is just a normal process of life and parenting, but at the same time, I do feel a bit of anxiety about the unknown and uncertainty of it all.

Oddly enough, as I have been continuously experiencing more and more feelings of uncertainty regarding this huge change ahead of us, I came upon this poem. A poem that in fact, I've seen many, many, many times, but until now, the full sentiment of it's contents has never *hit-home* so to speak as it does now. As I read it now, I can totally and completely relate to the thoughts and feelings expressed by the author and know that their struggles are the same as I am living now. In the end, it only reaffirms that love does not divide, yet instead it only multiplies which is definitely the reassurance that I needed to hear to help calm my worries and fears and replace them with joy and excitement for what's to come.

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him, as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you – as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you – only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.

I love you – both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. Author Unknown

1 comment:

Jessatsea said...

thank you for posting this. I am struggling with this in even thinking about conceiving a second baby. This helps a bit. :)