Sunday, January 11, 2009

Broken

Today marks the 3rd day since we said goodbye to our sweet Baby B and although physically, my pain has started to subside...emotionally I am not so good.....I feel completely lost, hopeless and broken. I just wish there were answers as to why my dear baby was taken so quickly from us and now I wonder if there was something that I could have done to have prevented this. Did I do something I shouldn't have? Should I have demanded a sonogram at my appt. the day prior? I mean, I heard the heartbeat and my OB said it sounded as it should even though she had a hard time finding it. I had been spotting bright red blood that morning and felt that something was wrong, but she said it was probably just my low placenta. Now I feel like I failed my baby and should have demanded to be given a sono. Should we have gone to a different hospital once I started bleeding? Would they have treated me differently? I didn't even get to see him/her again because they didn't give me an ultrasound prior to the exam and then he/she was gone. I don't even know that the baby didn't have a heartbeat, what if he/she did and was perfectly healthy and I only lost the baby because of my deformed placenta?? Ugh.....I am so disgusted with myself, I didn't even have the courage to see my baby as I was given the option and never could muster up the courage to do it and now I feel like a horrible mother that I didn't even give my baby the respect of a proper goodbye. I feel like such a failure.....I can barely see past my current fears and sorrows to even think of those around me and that is not what I want to do. I do not want David or my sweet Hudson to suffer or be neglected in the midst of my own self pity. I don't know.....maybe I am just beating myself up because I don't know what else to do or how to cope with the fact that I will never get to see my baby again or hold my baby in my arms, but I don't know what else to do but to question why my baby is no longer with me. It just makes no sense and my heart is empty, my soul is numb and I wonder if and when the tears will ever stop.

8 comments:

ColtonandJessica said...

It is NOT your fault. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this. You are going through the stages of grief, which is COMPLETELY NORMAL. You have a lot of support from people around you. You are not neglecting. You did everything the way you should have. Please dont be disgusted with yourself. I know you have probably heard this before and it is very frustrating, but there is a plan for this. Bigger than you and me. It will be ok. Just cling to those around you and accept support from whoever you trust. Also, find someone to talk to. It will help you let go of some of your feelings and be a place of comfort.

Kristin (kekis) said...

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. Losing your baby is an indescribable hurt that you can't really explain. Feeling guilt is only natural, yet I hope you know that you didn't do anything to make this happen or deserve this in any way. No reason or answer will make you feel any better because none of it makes sense. Don't look back and second guess yourself since you were doing the best you could do.

The first part of a loss is the physical healing which I'm glad to hear is happening. The next - and worst - part is the emotional recovery, and it will take a long while. Please know that it's okay to grieve. David, Hudson, and your family and friends will love you through this. It won't be easy, but you'll eventually find some reasons to smile and live again - and even to experience some joy. Until then, please be kind and patient with yourself during that process.

Misty said...

Charlotte, you are not a failure, there was nothing you could have done to prevent this from happening. I know it isn't fair, and you will likely be angry for a while. That's part of the grieving process. I have a couple of books I would like to mail to you. Please email me your address.
ytsimgirl at aol dot com
Hugs.

courtney said...

i don't know you all that well but anyone who reads your blog knows that you are a loving person. you did everything you could do. and, listening to your gut is not wrong so try not to second guess your decision not to see the baby. it was the right decision for you...grief is a process that won't go any faster than it needs to. i hope you continue to blog/write/share your feelings. it is a healthy outlet that is so important to get you through this...my heart goes out to you

amie said...

there was nothing you did or didn't do, charlotte. you loved that baby from the second you found out about him/her and that's all he/she ever knew. nobody knows why God puts a plan into action, they just know that He does, no matter how much it hurts.
stay strong, and take whatever time you need - your family and friends will be there for you when you're ready.

Angela said...

Guilty emotions unfortunately go with it. Try to focus less on the bad things and more on precious Hudson who still needs his mommy.

You are strong Charlotte and one day you will wake up and realize you are not broken. Your heart will ache from time to time, but then you must force yourself to look at the beautiful blessings you have in your life.

Susan said...

My prayers are still with you and your family. This is not your fault, you cannot beat yourself up on it. I hope you can find some piece soon. Lean on your friends and family for support. I am sure they all want to help and don't know what to do. Misty would be a great support also as she does know what you have gone through! I am so sorry!

Anonymous said...

Please be good to yourself and know that you need to do what is best for you. I didn't look at either of my parents after I lost them because I didn't want that visual memory and that was best for me. You have the love in your heart and that is what matters. I don't know you but you have a beautiful son and he is lucky to have you as a mother. Think of what you would say if a friend was feeling guilty--you would immediately think and say that she shouldn't. Be that good friend to yourself.