Today marks the 3rd day since we said goodbye to our sweet Baby B and although physically, my pain has started to subside...emotionally I am not so good.....I feel completely lost, hopeless and broken. I just wish there were answers as to why my dear baby was taken so quickly from us and now I wonder if there was something that I could have done to have prevented this. Did I do something I shouldn't have? Should I have demanded a sonogram at my appt. the day prior? I mean, I heard the heartbeat and my OB said it sounded as it should even though she had a hard time finding it. I had been spotting bright red blood that morning and felt that something was wrong, but she said it was probably just my low placenta. Now I feel like I failed my baby and should have demanded to be given a sono. Should we have gone to a different hospital once I started bleeding? Would they have treated me differently? I didn't even get to see him/her again because they didn't give me an ultrasound prior to the exam and then he/she was gone. I don't even know that the baby didn't have a heartbeat, what if he/she did and was perfectly healthy and I only lost the baby because of my deformed placenta?? Ugh.....I am so disgusted with myself, I didn't even have the courage to see my baby as I was given the option and never could muster up the courage to do it and now I feel like a horrible mother that I didn't even give my baby the respect of a proper goodbye. I feel like such a failure.....I can barely see past my current fears and sorrows to even think of those around me and that is not what I want to do. I do not want David or my sweet Hudson to suffer or be neglected in the midst of my own self pity. I don't know.....maybe I am just beating myself up because I don't know what else to do or how to cope with the fact that I will never get to see my baby again or hold my baby in my arms, but I don't know what else to do but to question why my baby is no longer with me. It just makes no sense and my heart is empty, my soul is numb and I wonder if and when the tears will ever stop.
La Bonne Vie - The House of Brodt