Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I'm NOT Okay....

Seriously, if I hear my husband tell one more person that I am okay or anything remotely like that I swear I am going to scream and go off the deep end. I've heard it over and over and over the past 5 days and I swear that everytime he talks to anyone on the phone and they ask how I am doing he says "she's okay" or "she's fine" and I an NO where even near fine. I guess he is trying to reassure people or something, but I hate that he is telling people I am fine when I'm clearly not and he obviously has no clue how I feel even though I feel like I have been inately clear about how I feel right now. Argh....I just want to scream. He's frustrated too....he even said to me this afternoon that he doesn't know what to do to make me feel better and I told him that there was nothing he could do. That there was nothing anyone could do. He says he doesn't know what to say and has no clue how I feel or what I am going through since I was carrying the baby and he's right....he has NO clue and doesn't seem to get it even though I am telling him how I feel. He just gets frustrated with me and doesn't seem to like what I have to say. I am afraid that this is going to pull us even farther apart instead of closer together and that scares me even more. I just wish something good would happen that could make us both feel better and take our minds away from this nightmare.

Oh, and to top everything off, my lovely day gets even better when I get a call from my OB's office this afternoon and when I call them back they ask me how I am all non-chalantly, or at least that's how I interpretted it. In any case, the nurse continues to tell me that Dr. P normally doesn't see patients after a m/c until 2 weeks after to which I confirmed that she had already told me that, but that the doctor who performed my d&c surgery insisted that I be seen by my normal OB within one week. Well, she basically tells me that Dr. P will need me to come back again next week to do the pelvic exam, etc., but that I am more than welcome to still keep my appt. tomorrow morning if I just want to come in and talk to the doctor and ask any questions that I might have. Well, this obviously doesn't sit real well with me because I really don't want to go to two appts. within a week, but honestly I want to see my doctor and talk to her so bad that I truly could care less right now. I am so upset and frustrated with everything and everyone right now I just don't even know what to do or think or say.....it's too much and I feel like I am spinning out of control. At least I will get to see Dr. P and can ask some of my questions, but I am so frustrated that I have to go alone and that David said he might *try* to come with me to the appt., but he has a meeting after his shift in the morning so he doesn't know if he can make it or if he will feel like it. I have a feeling I will be going solo and it won't go too well.

5 comments:

OperaWife said...

:( I wish there was a way I could go with you. I'll be praying for you tomorrow morning. You know to reach me if you need anything.

courtney said...

arg. it's so hard when people grieve differently. men seem to want to be able to fix things and when they can't, they are lost. i wonder why they can't grasp that sometimes we just need to sit in our sadness and have them sit with us? i hope you find a way to connect through this.

Meagan Lewis said...

You are in my prayers. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Just know we serve a BIG God.

Susan said...

I am so sorry! I have no words. I can't imagine what you are going thought. I do think it is totally different for Men. I hope David comes around.

My Prayers are with you.

FallBride said...

Do you think going to grief counseling or group would help? Maybe your doctor could recommend one.

I am so sorry for your pain.