Back to Work....

It was back to work for me today and while I wish I could say that it is going well, it isn't so much. I am having an incredibly difficult time focusing and find my mind wandering frequently....thoughts of our little Baby B and what should have been flood my mind and weigh heavy on my heart. It wasn't too, too bad that is until I had to discuss the entire event again and of course tears flowed like it was the first time telling the story. Then things really went downhill when a random client walked into the office carrying a newborn baby. :( It took everything in me to speak to her and assist her with her request. (hopefully things won't get any worse and I mean I am only working for a few more hours as I requested to work shortened shifts all week to get back into the swing of things so I can only hope that this was the worst thing that I would have to deal with) On that note, I don't want to be bitter and I think that it's normal not to want to have something so fresh right in your face, but it made me so sad seeing that baby and just reminded me again that I will no longer be meeting and holding my little one in my arms come the end of June. :( Hopefully, I will be pregnant far before our due date and that will at least make it a lot more bearable, but if for some reason we are not, I have a feeling that it is going to be pure hell to get through. I already am struggling with the fact that Hudson will be a year older, David will be a year older and I, too might even be a year older by the time we will be able to have another child. Not a big deal I guess, but it's still something I have been thinking of. Although, we might be blessed very quickly and still have a new little one before the end of the year too, so this is something that I must remember as well. Right now there are so many unanswered questions and what if's that I am forgetting to remember that there might not be any real answers and that I should not lose all hope. I had a completely and totally healthy pregnancy with Hudson and even though I had complications during this pregnancy that has now tragically turned into a devestating loss, I don't have an answer as to why (this is one of the aspects I am struggling with most), but I refuse to give up hope and can only pray that this was an isolated incident and that by the grace of God, that I will not have any further problems with any future pregnancies. I just cannot imagine going through this again and hope that I never ever have to. I have my OB appointment tomorrow morning, so hopefully that will be a productive meeting and then I will have something new to write about and hopefully, it will be a bit more positive and upbeat because for now, not much else is going on in the Brodt household and unfortunately, for the *most part* this is just about all I can think about no matter how hard I try. :(